She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
