god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
