Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
