I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
