You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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