I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
