Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
