i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
