Having a random hookup so left but love u
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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