Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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