Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
