I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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