Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
