i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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