oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
