I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Come back. Shots need mouths.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Pants are for mortals
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
