I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
