I met the friendliest cop last night
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
