hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm like, not good at living.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
