I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
