My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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