I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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