R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
