I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
