Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How naked do you want me to be?
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