if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize