I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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