take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
