Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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