her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sext me about skeletons
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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