It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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