can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize