He had one of those small greek statue penises
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
