Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
