Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Still dying that you shit outside
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
