You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i need an iv and a liver transplant
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
