you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
