I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
