I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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