There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
