Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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