Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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