dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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