My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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