Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
