Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
