Well douche your snatch and let's go!
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
