I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's the barista slut.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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