I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
