I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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