Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
