Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
