dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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