There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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