I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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