Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
